I will be the first to admit that I have a tendency toward the over dramatic at times--thankfully not when I really need to have a cool head--and that I let my emotions get the best of me fairly often. Books, movies, TV shows...just about anything that has the possibility of making me emotionally invested stands the chance of causing tears. So, when I say that I've just reached the point where I could actually read all of my critiques from my performance and talk about how I felt without crying, it's a pretty big deal.
The past few days have been hard. I still haven't had the chance to try and talk to one of my best friend about this because she's so busy, and I'm not going to complain about that because I know that her life is so screwed up that she really needs to be busy; I've been ignoring one of my other friends because I knew he would try to make me talk about everything and I wasn't ready to. But it has been hard for me. I finally caved the other day and sent my mom an email talking about all of it and how I felt. I cried the entire time I was typing it, and her reply the next morning made me cry more.
She did make me think though. Last night, I got down on my knees, and I poured my heart out to God about how confused and hurt I was, and I asked Him for answers to my questions; I did the same thing this morning--but with significantly fewer tears--and I fasted today as well. For the first time in almost five years, I went without food and I really and truly prayed for guidance. And I got it.
I didn't get all the answers, but who does really? I was reminded about a few things that I already knew I was supposed to be doing, and I heard a few really good things from my bishop when he spoke today. On top of that, after church I asked for a blessing and had those same words that I liked so much when my bishop said to me reiterated. And I was challenged to do certain things while I'm home the next few months, but I was promised things too. Even better than all of that was the many times I was told that I had made progress this year, that God was watching over me and that He was proud of me.
That made up for everything I went through this weekend.
I made another realization tonight as well.When I was growing up, I honestly didn't care that much about me as a person. I got caught up with other things and I didn't take care of myself, and when I got to college, that only became worse. Tonight, I was watching a recent episode of The Biggest Loser with the girl I'm planning on living with next year, and one of the trainers said something that hit home with me. Roughly paraphrased, he said that all the progress this one woman in the show had made showed how much she had learned to care about herself as a person. It made me realize something: I need to put the same amount of care and effort into my relationship with myself that I do with my friends.
So, I have a lot to work on, but I think that's a good thing. It means that I can become better.
And who doesn't want that?
No comments:
Post a Comment