"The Truth That I Know"

I'm not normally the type of girl who has crazy crushes and goes insane over some guy, daydreaming about silly things...lately, however, I've been exactly that girl. And I feel pathetic.

Tonight, I got to be the awkward fifth wheel because one of my friends felt as though it would be awkward to go on this non-date to get dinner with another couple. Both of the guys who were at dinner with us were really good friends with my friend who is on his mission for the church right now, and I found myself zoning in and out of the conversation--especially when we were in the van and lacking someone to be coupley with--and I would just daydream about the weirdest things. Well, weird to me.

It's possible that the sudden influx of sparkly decoration on the left hands of so many girls at school is getting to me, but the word "proposal" floated through my mind more than once. I was thinking that I would have all of the spring and summer to be around and with this friend of mine and then we would go on this trip to Ireland like we had planned on before he left; somehow, this idea morphed into a sparkly blue topaz and diamond ring on my hand.

I find the entire idea mildly terrifying. For starters, I haven't seen this guy in over a year and won't see him again til after Christmas. On top of that, when he left, he was interested in a different girl and I was with a different guy; as far as he knows, that hasn't changed much on my end. As if that wasn't enough, there is a chance that his dad could be my bishop at some point, which would inevitably lead to his dad finding out about all of my problems and issues and screw ups.

And quite possibly worse, I know he is way too good for me. That is more than evident as soon as you meet each of us. How incredibly depressing.

Do I actually like this friend of mine? I've gotten to the point where I really have no idea how to tell if I like someone, and I am more than aware of how bad I am at relationships.

For now, I'll have to leave the whole thing alone. It's a moot point until he gets back, and even then...