While at times I may seem really odd and out of place when I speak of things such as "omens" or "chakras" or "dream interpretation", ninety percent of the time, I don't actually put any store into such things. I may find them interesting or insightful, but I don't actually believe in them.
Today, right this second, falls into the other ten percent.
The other shoe has dropped, and it wasn't in the way I expected or prepared for.
I'm finishing up the last week of school before finals and minutes ago left my final class for the semester, a class which--while not of any significant importance to my graduating--is within the realms of my major. But I should probably start before this.
Let's start with last Thursday, exactly a week ago. This time last week, I was preparing for a graded performance, and I was feeling really good about it. I didn't actually have to do this performance, I had already done an in-class equivalent of it the previous semester, but I felt that it would be good for me to get the input from my professors before I became a senior next spring. I went in around 4 and was finished within ten minutes, and I didn't have a care in the world. I didn't care about the grade, and I told people this; I was only there for the critique.
Fast forward to yesterday, when I noted to myself that the weather was really grey and dreary: not the best omen for the last few days of class before finals. I remember that I hoped the weather today would be better.
Today, I had the written portion of my final for this class, one which I really enjoy and have been told I'm really taking to. I still felt good. The weather was still gloomy, but I felt good. The test only took me a little over half an hour--mostly because of the many short answer questions--but I felt, and still feel, like I did considerably well. As I was leaving the test, I decided I would swing by my advisor's office to see if my score had been posted from the week before.
It was.
"Potential to Major"
Last semester, I was cleared with a high enough score to do a final performance, and now I get three sheets of white office paper, stapled together with my name typed on them, saying that I am not doing well enough at this to have a final performance.
I only have the "potential" to major in this subject, that's all.
Just potential.
One step above "need to reconsider major".
I've been trying not to cry ever since I saw the papers, and failing miserably most of the time. I haven't talked to anyone because everyone I want to talk to is busy.
I feel like shit. Without that performance, everything I've done at this school will have been pointless because I won't be able to graduate. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't graduate and do the things with my life that I want.
So, instead of trying to figure this out and feeling even more miserable, I'm going to curl up in my bed for a few hours, watching Grey's Anatomy and eating chocolate until it's time for me to get ready for an awards ceremony for the people within my major: one more knife stabbing me and saying I'm not good enough to even be nominated for one of the awards.
Great.
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