I'm not quite sure if I even have the words to say what's going through my head right now, but I'm going to attempt to explain it because I haven't posted anything in awhile, and blogging is actually fairly theraputic. And since I quit therapy around February, I need all the help I can get.
I think I've put a block on my life, for lack of better words. It's something I tend to do; everything is going well, but after awhile I start to tense up and back away from whatever was making me happy. Waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak.
I stopped talking to one of my friends for a few days. I wasn't mad or anything, just...didn't text. Haven't talked to another friend in over a week. And I don't really tell my friends here at school about anything going on. Although, if I tried to explain what's happening, I don't think I would make any sense.
A lot of people know me as a fairly pessimistic person; a few friends even joked that it was the ultimate irony that this guy from school--dubbed Mr. Smiley because he's always so freaking smiley--asked me on a date, and I am Miss Negative-Sarcastic-Angry or something. I don't know if I do it on purpose. I guess I've just always seen anything good as just a small break before all hell breaks loose again.
Like when a big storm comes rolling up, and you can see the clouds roiling and the sky is this sickly shade of yellow, and you just know a tornado is coming. As the storm hits, there's all this wind and hail, and even lightning. But just before you start to see the funnel dropping down, everything goes quiet for a few long seconds... And then the world just explodes and everything is sucked into the sky.
I think, right now, I'm just waiting for that tornado to begin, for the other shoe to drop. Because my life is never this calm for long. The only problem with that shoe dropping, that storm finally hitting, is I don't know what I'll do. It's been awhile since I've had this type of calm, and then my life blew up. What if I've forgotten what to do? What if I can't handle whatever it is that happens?
I can already feel myself pulling away, preparing for whatever is going to happen. The storm shelter around me has been weakened and warped from disuse, and I don't know if I can hold up against everything. But I can feel it... I can tell it's time to batten down the hatches.
Enoy the peace and calm while you have it...Let yourself be happy. Enjoy the moment. Even go on the date. And if the storm comes, you dont have to weather it alone. :) I will be here to help. I will be here for you to lean on, like you were for me.
ReplyDeleteSo for now, just enjoy your happiness.
Preparation to strengthen the thought of negativity or the thought of self-destruction is not entirely a bad situation; it is human instinct to protect one's self and "batten down the hatches" to prepare for something big and a counteract a plan to balance it out.
ReplyDeleteSome go off their instinct to prepare for the worse. Perhaps this is what you are doing in your own way. You have had enough drama and your emotions have imploded; you are searching for a period of self-healing and cannot afford anyone to interfere with your own healing process.
Did you ever think perhaps this is a positive sign?