"Gather Up Your Tears"

I've been home for nearly a week, and while I'm usually at home bored without access to any sort of vehicle, I haven't felt any traces of cabin fever yet. I did manage to get out and see one of my friends from high school the other night, and we spent a few hours goofing off and catching up; meaning, I spent most of the time talking about how I was doing and getting a sore throat. My friend did say something that made me stop and think when I got home, though.

I don't remember how we got onto the topic exactly, but I know we were discussing how I hated her her because she had just had sex right before coming to see me and it has been almost a year since I've had sex; this is a good thing because the guys I slept with when I was in high school were not the right guys for me and treated me like shit, but bad because I kind of miss it, even if I didn't enjoy it the few times I've had it.

Anyway, we transitioned from that to how long it had been since I last cut, which was sometime in the fall, I'm guessing October, although I really don't remember. My friend told me how proud she was of me for going that long because it's the longest I've gone since I first started cutting. That time, I cut for two months, was clean for almost two years, but then started up again and haven't made it past five months since then. She said that our group of friends should come up with some sort of token like they do in AA meetings. You go this long without doing anything, you get this random poker chip-looking-thing. You get the idea.

That wasn't the part that made me think, although it is a pretty cool idea. What made me think was that I had gone that long without cutting. I'm not saying I haven't wanted to cut. That is very obviously not true, considering it was all I could think about two or three weeks ago, and I know that I've wanted to cut before then.

But I didn't.

I didn't cut, not any of those times that I wanted to, no matter how strong the urge was to find the closest sharp and pointy object, I didn't do anything.

I'm starting to think that, at least in that area, I've begun to move past just "coping" and onto whatever comes after that.