I have a feeling this is going to get really angry and mean really fast. I would even use the phrase "passive aggressive" to describe where this is headed, and I'm okay with that. I'm the queen of passive aggressive lately. I really just want the chance to look this person in the eye and say "sorry honey, but I'm about to bitch about you and you can yell at my voicemail later." Too bad that won't ever happen.
First, the more recent crap (not that this friend's life drama is crap, of course). Most people who know me would agree that I'm the type of girl who, once I'm close to someone, I stay that way. It doesn't matter how long I've known a person, once I get to the point where I accept you and put the "friend" label in place, you're stuck with me. And I'm actually a really good friend. 90% of the time. I'd like to think the past few days haven't been an exception to that rule. So when one of my friends' life pretty much imploded, I was immediately there in every way I possibly could be, and I haven't stopped. I don't plan to. But the person who introduced us? Very wrapped up in the new drama she landed in. And I'm not discounting that what is happening with her isn't important; it's important to her, and therefore important to me. But when other people need you this badly, relationship drama and other issues can be set aside for maybe five minutes of the day to check for signs of life.
And I'm not even sure if that's what's bothering me. Not really. I'm a big enough girl to admit to a good amount of my faults, and one of them is that I get jealous. I do. I am a moderately jealous person, I'd even go so far as to say diva on occasion, and that only doubles when I feel I am close to someone and triples when I get the feeling that its mostly one-sided. So, when I am told that I was the person called because so-and-so can't talk and such-and-such has enough to deal with, I get slightly peeved.
To be completely frank, I'm fairly certain that most of this is frustration because I'm feeling confused about who I am and what I want...and who I want. Remember back when I went on hiatus from social networking? Yeah, that was because I was fighting with people, went to vent about it to some of my other friends (who have known me quite a bit longer than the other set of people in question), and I was forced to confront my feelings for one of my friends. And the one time I got up the nerve to admit to it in an email to this person, half of said email (which was a fairly lengthy apology and explanation of my bad attitude) didn't make it, and I lost my nerve to try and repeat myself.
So, there you go. I have emptied my heart out to my computer and, therefore, the entire world. Including a person who I may still have feelings for, even though I know the whole thing is entirely hopeless. And I know that as soon as I hit "post" I'm going to regret it and want to delete it before anyone reads it, but I won't do that. The point of this blog is for me to be open and honest, at least with myself if no one else.
And therefore, merely for the sake of said honesty...all of this angst and anger? I know I'm most likely misdirecting it toward people (okay...toward person) because... Because I am more mad at myself for even feeling anything toward her in the first place.
Feeling things, friendship or otherwise, for the people around me? It just sucks.
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