Ok, I've got like twenty billion things going on in my head right now, many of which I have decided I should talk about with someone, especially since pretty much everyone on campus is leaving for break; this means I'll be left here, by myself, playing hermit in my room for a week. Great.
I have no idea where to begin. I didn't even want to tell anyone, except the one person I talked to last night when I was crying my eyes out and scared senseless. I don't like it when people worry about me, and I try really hard not to give them reasons to. Sometimes I feel like...like if I tell my friends what's going on every time something happens, they'll eventually start to think that I'm trying to get attention. I'm not, and I know that, but still. I'm going to file that worry under the heading of "Scared-To-Death-That-People-Will-Abandon-Me-And-I'll-Be-Alone".
Moving on. I suppose one of the big things I should be talking about right now is that I had another...I don't think there is a way to describe what happened last night, but the end point is that I was bleeding, in mental/emotional/physical pain, crying my eyes out, and hating myself with nearly every fiber of my being. I didn't cut, but I really REALLY wanted to. Wanted to do so much worse than that, but managed to get talked out of it.
I had to beg my friend not to tell anyone (the whole worrying thing and all), but today she wouldn't get off my case about it, and I mean that in a nice and loving way. She said she wouldn't tell any of our mutual friends, but only if I promised to tell someone who will be here: i.e. church leader, my therapist, one of our friends here at school. I haven't told any of those people yet, but I did text the other friend and at least make an effort to possibly hang out with him sometime this week. We'll see how that goes.
I'm trying really hard to move on from the person I used to be, and most days I can coast along and manage everything, but some days...some days it just sucks. Especially since...how did she put it? I am the type of person who will be whoever/do whatever I feel is necessary to make someone else happy, whether that means I keep my mouth shut and have no opinions, or if that means I say "I love you" and let people treat me like a sex toy. Pretty sure that's how she phrased it...
Anyway, tonight was a little hard for me. A friend of mine was talking to me tonight, and kind of flirting, but only in the physical "I-want-to-get-you-horny-so-you'll-help-me-because-I'm-horny" type of flirting. Not that long ago (literally, like a month ago), I would have--and did--say "yeah, sure, ok" to that without even thinking about it. And then one of two things would have happened: we would have continued to do that every time he "needed" me and I would pretend like I didn't feel used for letting him do that, or I would tell him not to do that anymore and we would be at an awkward standstill for a month or two until it happened again. Case in point, considering our friendship as of right now.
Tonight, I managed to say no. Granted, I had to be talked into saying no because, as much as I wanted to say no, I knew that I wasn't really strong enough to do it myself. So, I told him that I was trying to move past who I used to be, etc etc etc, and he seems to be taking it well--so far. It's a work in progress relationship.
I'm only saying all of this because I'm trying to be honest with other people as well as myself; if I wasn't, I'd be bottling all of this up inside and freaking out.
Also, when did I become the person everyone went to for advice? I am falling apart! I know nothing, why do people keep asking me these things.
No comments:
Post a Comment