"Stay With Me, Or Watch Me Bleed"

I'm still in a really shitty mood and I need to vent, but if I actually try to talk to a living person with actual conversation, I may rip his head off. So...blogging it is.

While I was hanging out with one of my friends today, my choices in who I date came up. Not in a bad way...technically....but more in a "I'm trying to understand how all your ex-boyfriends were such douchebags" way. I made the mistake of telling my friend that just because I am bi and equally attracted to both men and women does not mean that I am attracted in the same way. I'm much pickier about the women I'm interested in, which is why I've only had one truly serious crush on a girl to this day.

If I decided to be with a girl, it would be based on more than just her looks and if she turns me on. Unfortunately, however, that seems to be the only thing I care about when I choose the guys I fall for. Which could be interpreted as me either having really low standards or just being a whore. Both ideas basically came up in conversation today. Not that the whore bit really mattered in the end...I mean, no guy has actually stuck around long enough to get past that idea. There were always greener pastures, more wild oats to sow, or whatever the hellish metaphor it is I'm supposed to use.

I just don't get how I am never enough. I try. I try so damn hard to be what people want me to be. I've gotten really good at it; I mean, I kind of had to, it's the only way I survived living at home. I would pretend to be the good daughter my parents wanted, the good student, the good friend...the good girlfriend who will do whatever it takes to make her boyfriend happy so he doesn't leave her just like everyone else. Just like everyone always does.

It's gotten to the point where I don't actually know what it is I want anymore. Besides meaningless sex with a drunk frat boy and a sharp object. Those both sound really good right now.

I would really love to understand what exactly is so wrong with me that not only can I not be the right person, but I can't say or do the right things; I can't make people happy and on top of that, I can't seem to get people to realize that I'm a person too.

So let me spell it out for you, loud and clear: I am not invisible; I have feelings, I get hurt. When you ignore me or abandon me or yell at me for reasons I don't understand, it hurts. The words you do say, and the ones you don't say? The cut me deeper than anything I've done to myself.

And I want to hate you for it.

But what's probably worse? I want to hate myself for even letting those feelings exist.