Let's just move past the whole "I'm a bitch" moment. Things are--mostly--better between my friend and I. We both admitted to being idiots in our own ways, and now we're...back to hardly talking because she's busy and I'm too lazy to pick up my phone.
I don't know, I guess I'm one of those people who only turns to other people when there's something wrong , and even then it's usually only on my end. Although, other people turn to me when they have problems. All. The. Time. Even when I have no experience in the matter, or only bad experiences. When things are going well, though, I don't really talk to people. I don't know if it's that I don't care to talk about the void of drama in my life, or if I'm extremely selfish and needy and only want people around on my terms. I really hope that it's not that last one because, personally, I'd like to think that it's more of me being used to only dealing with my life on my own, only bringing people into everything when I wanted to. Not because I don't want them in my life, but more because I didn't want to bring them into a situation that I had either gotten myself into or one that they couldn't help with. Or both.
I'm so used to spending all of my time trying to be whoever it was that other people wanted, thinking that's what I wanted to. In reality, I think what I really wanted was to be wanted and loved, but I felt like people wouldn't feel that way about me if they really knew me, that I had a better chance of being liked if I was what I knew they liked about other people or what they wanted to like in me. That's probably why my personality is so all over the place, why I don't fit within a specific "type". I spent too much of my life trying to be any and all types that I brought aspects of them into me.
This also meant that I go so good at lying, I'd even believe myself. Which is really scary when you think about it.
Thinking about all that effort I spent, I can see that I was once again trying to control everything; I wanted to control how others saw me, to control who liked me. No wonder I got the shitty boyfriends. They were all the type of guy who likes to superimpose his idea of who the girl is--whether she be the "barefoot in the kitchen" type or the "lady in the streets, demon in the sheets" type--and trample all over her until she believes she really is who he says, until she reaches the point where she doesn't think she can be anything else and will lose all sense of her identity without him.
Basically, I had control issues which sent me so far out of control I would take any help offered, any sense of direction I could cling to, and I didn't care if it took me to the depths of hell so long as I felt in control and had someone else there.
I'm still dealing with some of that; I still have this aching need for someone to want me, for me to have someone to hold me, to want me, to think I'm the whole world. But I'm starting to realize that I can have that, I just have to wait for the right person who will actually treat me like I am their world and who will want me just the way I am.
Too bad I hate being patient.
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