By this point, it's fairly obvious that I have issues which I have been struggling with for years. Family issues, relationship issues, cutting issues, friend issues...emotional wreck issues. You get the idea.
Every time I get on here, I write a new post about my life and my problems, etc etc. I have the tendency to go back and forth on things, to be doing really well in one aspect of my life...until something else happens and then it all comes crashing down and I have to start all over. Which is neither fun nor particularly easy. After I have my regularly scheduled regression into issues which had been over and done with, I tell myself "Yes, you screwed up, but you're going to work even harder against that this time."
It's taken me awhile to really realize and accept one part of me, to see that what I'm doing isn't good for me and it's only making everything else harder. It's not my sexuality. It's not my cutting. It's not my exhausting family or emotional stunting due to my exes.
It's my shame.
If I were to describe everything that has happened to me, I would somehow eventually lead it all back to it being my fault somehow, even when it wasn't. I blame myself for being weak, for not standing up for myself, for letting people use me. I've always blamed myself for what went on at home, for not being stronger and keeping everything inside.
Twice this week I met with missionaries from my church and I opened up to them, to total strangers. Cried my eyes out like a baby; they're started to carry tissues just for when they meet with me because they know I will cry. And I do. But I realized that the only way I am going to get better and be the person I so desperately need to is by working through everything and coming to an understanding with myself and with God.
Today, I finally understood that I do more than just blame myself for these things: I hold onto them and I refuse to forgive myself, especially for the things that really were my fault. I haven't forgiven myself for letting myself mark and scar my skin in order to feel as though I was in control. I haven't forgiven myself for allowing an event that I don't even remember to dictate how I viewed my body and my self-esteem or for furthering my loss of self by being with guys who didn't make me feel good about myself. And I especially haven't forgiven myself for not standing up to my dad and stopping what was going on at home until it got out of hand.
But, I think, I can work towards that, towards forgiving myself. I need to. There's a lot of anger and shame and self-doubt that I have to let go of, and I know it's going to be hard. There are going to be so many more tears, and I'm still not going to enjoy crying and the emotional upheaval and headache that always comes with it--not to mention I always snot myself to death when I cry, and I almost always end up crying in front of other people. Letting go of all the negativity and breaking down the walls I put up is going to hurt like hell.
But I also know it's worth it, and I can do it.
After practically fifteen years of this, I'm finally ready to let go and stop blaming myself.
No comments:
Post a Comment