"Chances Taken, Hope Embraced"

I have been in the weirdest mood lately. Well, not exactly weird per se; any other person would find this perfectly normal, but for me...it's weird.

I'm actually happy.

I literally danced around my room last night while I ate my yogurt and granola. Not that me being crazy in the safety of my room is weird, but me being happy for more than a day for no reason is. I even did 30 minutes of yoga before I did my homework, and I'm sore from it today, nut I'm still in a good mood. I mean, I even put on a skirt today--voluntarily!

I am happy. And I kinda like it.

"Everything You Want Me To Be"

Let's just move past the whole "I'm a bitch" moment. Things are--mostly--better between my friend and I. We both admitted to being idiots in our own ways, and now we're...back to hardly talking because she's busy and I'm too lazy to pick up my phone.

I don't know, I guess I'm one of those people who only turns to other people when there's something wrong , and even then it's usually only on my end. Although, other people turn to me when they have problems. All. The. Time. Even when I have no experience in the matter, or only bad experiences. When things are going well, though, I don't really talk to people. I don't know if it's that I don't care to talk about the void of drama in my life, or if I'm extremely selfish and needy and only want people around on my terms. I really hope that it's not that last one because, personally, I'd like to think that it's more of me being used to only dealing with my life on my own, only bringing people into everything when I wanted to. Not because I don't want them in my life, but more because I didn't want to bring them into a situation that I had either gotten myself into or one that they couldn't help with. Or both.

I'm so used to spending all of my time trying to be whoever it was that other people wanted, thinking that's what I wanted to. In reality, I think what I really wanted was to be wanted and loved, but I felt like people wouldn't feel that way about me if they really knew me, that I had a better chance of being liked if I was what I knew they liked about other people or what they wanted to like in me. That's probably why my personality is so all over the place, why I don't fit within a specific "type". I spent too much of my life trying to be any and all types that I brought aspects of them into me.

This also meant that I go so good at lying, I'd even believe myself. Which is really scary when you think about it.

Thinking about all that effort I spent, I can see that I was once again trying to control everything; I wanted to control how others saw me, to control who liked me. No wonder I got the shitty boyfriends. They were all the type of guy who likes to superimpose his idea of who the girl is--whether she be the "barefoot in the kitchen" type or the "lady in the streets, demon in the sheets" type--and trample all over her until she believes she really is who he says, until she reaches the point where she doesn't think she can be anything else and will lose all sense of her identity without him.

Basically, I had control issues which sent me so far out of control I would take any help offered, any sense of direction I could cling to, and I didn't care if it took me to the depths of hell so long as I felt in control and had someone else there.

I'm still dealing with some of that; I still have this aching need for someone to want me, for me to have someone to hold me, to want me, to think I'm the whole world. But I'm starting to realize that I can have that, I just have to wait for the right person who will actually treat me like I am their world and who will want me just the way I am.

Too bad I hate being patient.

"You're Miles Away...You Just Can't Relate"

I have a feeling this is going to get really angry and mean really fast. I would even use the phrase "passive aggressive" to describe where this is headed, and I'm okay with that. I'm the queen of passive aggressive lately. I really just want the chance to look this person in the eye and say "sorry honey, but I'm about to bitch about you and you can yell at my voicemail later." Too bad that won't ever happen.

First, the more recent crap (not that this friend's life drama is crap, of course). Most people who know me would agree that I'm the type of girl who, once I'm close to someone, I stay that way. It doesn't matter how long I've known a person, once I get to the point where I accept you and put the "friend" label in place, you're stuck with me. And I'm actually a really good friend. 90% of the time. I'd like to think the past few days haven't been an exception to that rule. So when one of my friends' life pretty much imploded, I was immediately there in every way I possibly could be, and I haven't stopped. I don't plan to. But the person who introduced us? Very wrapped up in the new drama she landed in. And I'm not discounting that what is happening with her isn't important; it's important to her, and therefore important to me. But when other people need you this badly, relationship drama and other issues can be set aside for maybe five minutes of the day to check for signs of life.

And I'm not even sure if that's what's bothering me. Not really. I'm a big enough girl to admit to a good amount of my faults, and one of them is that I get jealous. I do. I am a moderately jealous person, I'd even go so far as to say diva on occasion, and that only doubles when I feel I am close to someone and triples when I get the feeling that its mostly one-sided. So, when I am told that I was the person called because so-and-so can't talk and such-and-such has enough to deal with, I get slightly peeved.

To be completely frank, I'm fairly certain that most of this is frustration because I'm feeling confused about who I am and what I want...and who I want. Remember back when I went on hiatus from social networking? Yeah, that was because I was fighting with people, went to vent about it to some of my other friends (who have known me quite a bit longer than the other set of people in question), and I was forced to confront my feelings for one of my friends. And the one time I got up the nerve to admit to it in an email to this person, half of said email (which was a fairly lengthy apology and explanation of my bad attitude) didn't make it, and I lost my nerve to try and repeat myself.

So, there you go. I have emptied my heart out to my computer and, therefore, the entire world. Including a person who I may still have feelings for, even though I know the whole thing is entirely hopeless. And I know that as soon as I hit "post" I'm going to regret it and want to delete it before anyone reads it, but I won't do that. The point of this blog is for me to be open and honest, at least with myself if no one else.

And therefore, merely for the sake of said honesty...all of this angst and anger? I know I'm most likely misdirecting it toward people (okay...toward person) because... Because I am more mad at myself for even feeling anything toward her in the first place.

Feeling things, friendship or otherwise, for the people around me? It just sucks.

"You're Part of My Entity"

Sometimes I really wish I didn't get emotionally involved in other people's lives; my therapist even told me that I got too invested in the things I couldn't help, but I ignored him. Maybe if I didn't care so much, I'd be better off, you know? Less stress, better emotional stability...

Times like this make mecwant to curl up in my bed with the blankets over my head and my headphones, pretending that other people's problems don't exist. It doesn't matter how much I care about the person--actually, that's a lie: the more I care about the person, the more emotionally involved I get in his/her life, and the more painful it is for me.

I made a Facebook status awhile Bach, jokingly complaining about how everyone seemed to com to me for advice; my mom even took a picture of me and made a "Ask ___" sign for me. The thing is, my friends only come to me when I have nothing but my intuition to back my advice; when I have real experience in where certain choices lead you, they ignore my attempts to talk and blow me off when I call. It's frustrating to no end. If I could, I'd probably strangle quite a few of my friends on a regular basis because I think they're incredibly stupid.

Oh well. I guess itvdoesntbmatter how much you love a person, you can't force them to grow the he'll up and realize what he/she is doing, more's the pity.

I am going to take some advice a close friend gave me and twist it around a little: if you're allowed to be doing the stupid shit you're doing, then I'm allowed to cut. They're both equally detrimental, andbi don't care how you justify it to yourself.

"Throw Up Your Arms Into the Sky"

Fair warning, I'm feeling a bit lonely-needy tonight, so I really don't know where my feelings are going to take me.

I've had this thought buzzing around my head for awhile now, one that comes up every time I have to give any sort of performance; tonight it reared its ugly, jealous head again, and I can't decide whether I'm more frustrated or depressed about it. I feel like it's perfectly normal to want people to support you when you're doing something you really care about and enjoy, whether it's having your friends read every article you write in a school paper or attend all of your public performances--even the bad ones.

At my performance tonight, I kept catching myself looking out into the dark auditorium and wondering if any of my friends were there. I saw one after we had finished and I was headed downstairs, but I knew she wasn't there because I was performing: her roommate was performing too, and that is why she came. I catch myself doing that each and every time I perform or do something that's really meaningful to me, and by the end of the night I always feel really empty and depressed.

After a show, I see my friends getting these gorgeous bouquets of flowers from their significant others, or their families, or their roommates.... I have never in my life received flowers after a performance. Wait, that's a lie: my dad left some on my bed for me after a show he didn't actually go to, and after my last show I came away with one yellow rose. Granted, everyone in the cast got one for doing a good job (which signify friendship, not "job well done" which is a red rose), but I still dried it and pinned it to the cork board above my bed. Why? Because...because for a few, fleeting moments, when I first took in the fragrance and beauty of that rose, I felt like someone cared enough to watch me perform.

It makes me worry a little when I think of all of the things I go through after performances and then remember that I'm going to be giving major recitals next year (both 2013 semesters, actually). Maybe I'm worrying too much about things that are a ways in the future, but I have this nagging feeling that no one will show up because it's my recital...they'll show up because they have to for a class or something. Or because they're my family and I told them to fly in and see me.

I think everyone likes feeling wanted and appreciated, especially at times when you're doing something you love and enjoy sharing with others. I know I have appreciated the times I see my friends in the audience, or they find me after everything's finished, but even then...we talk for maybe a minute and then they leave. Feeling over. And I stand there by myself, awkward and alone, watching everyone else get hugged and praised and loved.

Forget frustration, it's just depressing. It is extremely debilitating to see the rest of the world going on with their lives because they have better things to do than let you know they care.

"Nobody loves you, everyone left you, they're all out without you, having fun."                                                     ~Green Day, "21 Guns"

I'll end it here for tonight, while there's still a chance for me to rally my spirits for St. Patrick's day tomorrow and lunch with a friend. We'll broach the topic of my jealousy another day.

"Wake Up To The Sun"

I've had an epiphany. Well...I've re-realized something:

I can be a very negative person.

It's true, I really do get negative and angry and let my emotions over one event screw up my whole day. So, I'm going to try really hard to stop doing that. I'm not saying that I'm going to be a totally new person because, let's face it, I'm so much cooler as me than as some happy perky psycho. But I am going to brush off my negativity and focus on the happy stuff. Ironically, focusing on the happy stuff is advice I gave someone the other day; obviously, I'm not good at taking anyone's advice--especially my own.

Today, I made an effort to be alive and enjoy the day. I was actually up early enough this morning to hear the birds outside without them being drowned out by all the people who walk around during the day. I may not have literally taken the time today to "stop and smell the roses", but I did make an effort to tell myself what a good day I was having and remember that I was happy and alive.

I read a friend's blog today, got caught up on everything going on since Sunday (he's even worse than I was that one day; he posts like 3 blogs each day it seems). One of his more recent posts reminded me about something I learned when I first started to look into yoga and meditation. The first step to help reduce stress and increase focus is your breath, and there was this really amazing quote that resonated with me so strongly that I made it into a screen saver on my laptop...and then promptly began to ignore it every time it came up.

"Stop. Breathe. Go slow."

 I have the tendency to focus on everything going on at the same time and rush through things, sometimes without thinking, and then freak out because I'm stressed and I feel like I have no time to get everything done, so I try to rush through and do it all at once, which causes more stress... It's a never ending cycle for me. But if I stop, and take a moment to breathe, then move on and work my way through everything at a slower pace, I'm not stressed.

I re-epiphanied. And it feels fantastic!

"Let My Heart Defeat My Mind"

Alright, I have taken the time to get over myself and my neediness. People piss me off with their inherent stupidity, what else is new?

But that's not the big thing on my mind at the moment.

All I remember about the dream was that I am going to get on a flight to Korea (I think) for some big important school or audition or job. Anyway, the flight is the last leg of the trip, going over the ocean, but I am in the process of getting to that flight from my previous one. The way to get to that flight is hard to remember, but I vaguely remember it feeling like one of those inflatable playgrounds with a slide we had to take to reach the jetway. And I am talking to a guy (who I am assuming was cute) about going  to wherever it is we're heading...then I wake up and forget all the details.

Now, since lately I've been pretty into dream interpretation in order to understand what one's brain is trying to comprehend, I looked up the major symbols I could remember:

transferring planes- important transitional phase taking you away from your intended path to new heights and recognition
Korea- going back to my roots, something I grew up with
ocean (going over it)- newfound freedom and independence
slide (combining "slide" with "waterslide")- instability or loss of control, being carried away by your emotions
the guy- aspects of your character which are assertive, rational, or aggressive, aspects which you may need to incorporate into your own character

If I put all that together to the best of my ability, I come up with: I am approaching a phase in my life where I will have to make  a decision about going back to part of my life that I grew up with and left. This decision could possibly lead me to a good place in my life, but I'm being resistant to the idea, feeling very out of control about making this decision, and I should be more rational and assertive in making up my mind.

I'm not thrilled about this idea because, if it is indicating what I think it is, I am VERY resistant to making this decision. It is not a road I feel I am ready, or even able, to go down; getting to the point where I could go down the road this decision will lead to will be very hard and painful, and most likely expensive for my family.

It feels like everywhere I turn, the world is screaming at me to go on, make this choice, it's the right one for you and your future, and I just wan to be a petulant child and scream back "NO!!!" But I think that might be heresy or blasphemy or some other -y that will mean God won't leave me alone until I say "yes".

"Not Yours For the Taking"

Alright, I realize that a) I've broken my "most posts in a 24 (or any other) hour period" and b) probably scared any sane person who actually does care enough to read this blog...at last count being three people? Roughly.

So, no, I'm not going to cut. Not tonight, and not because some moronic boy pissed me off by being a boy and not thinking before he opened his damn mouth. Which, for this boy, is pretty typical, so I don't know why I was surprised.

I've decided that he's not worth me crying, or freaking out, or having even the slightest intention to cut. Why? Because he's a stupid boy. That is what I've decided.

There is not a single person on this earth right now (who I have met, anyway) who is worth the pain I would be putting myself through if I went back to being who I was. So, I'm not going to go there. Granted, I'm still not going to talk to the guy any time soon because I am still pretty pissed at how inconsiderate he was. I mean, he did eventually ask how I was and if I was okay, but that was only after I told him that the situation I was in tonight escalated to a point that reminded me of my dad; and by that point, I'd been stewing for a good hour or so and I ripped into him. And if I try to talk to him now, the verbal lashing he will get will make him volunteer to be castrated. I'm not quite pissed enough to deny him future children, although I do hope they take after their mother in the brain department.

So, no need to worry. I'm not going to hurt myself. Plenty of other people are willing to do it for me.

"Stay With Me, Or Watch Me Bleed"

I'm still in a really shitty mood and I need to vent, but if I actually try to talk to a living person with actual conversation, I may rip his head off. So...blogging it is.

While I was hanging out with one of my friends today, my choices in who I date came up. Not in a bad way...technically....but more in a "I'm trying to understand how all your ex-boyfriends were such douchebags" way. I made the mistake of telling my friend that just because I am bi and equally attracted to both men and women does not mean that I am attracted in the same way. I'm much pickier about the women I'm interested in, which is why I've only had one truly serious crush on a girl to this day.

If I decided to be with a girl, it would be based on more than just her looks and if she turns me on. Unfortunately, however, that seems to be the only thing I care about when I choose the guys I fall for. Which could be interpreted as me either having really low standards or just being a whore. Both ideas basically came up in conversation today. Not that the whore bit really mattered in the end...I mean, no guy has actually stuck around long enough to get past that idea. There were always greener pastures, more wild oats to sow, or whatever the hellish metaphor it is I'm supposed to use.

I just don't get how I am never enough. I try. I try so damn hard to be what people want me to be. I've gotten really good at it; I mean, I kind of had to, it's the only way I survived living at home. I would pretend to be the good daughter my parents wanted, the good student, the good friend...the good girlfriend who will do whatever it takes to make her boyfriend happy so he doesn't leave her just like everyone else. Just like everyone always does.

It's gotten to the point where I don't actually know what it is I want anymore. Besides meaningless sex with a drunk frat boy and a sharp object. Those both sound really good right now.

I would really love to understand what exactly is so wrong with me that not only can I not be the right person, but I can't say or do the right things; I can't make people happy and on top of that, I can't seem to get people to realize that I'm a person too.

So let me spell it out for you, loud and clear: I am not invisible; I have feelings, I get hurt. When you ignore me or abandon me or yell at me for reasons I don't understand, it hurts. The words you do say, and the ones you don't say? The cut me deeper than anything I've done to myself.

And I want to hate you for it.

But what's probably worse? I want to hate myself for even letting those feelings exist.

"Memories Both Perfect and In Pain"

Sometimes I feel like people just really want me to hate them; or at least dislike them. I'm serious. And what's worse is sometimes those people are actually my friends. Although, the term "friend" may be switched to one with less of a...binding definition due to selfishness and worry for everyone but me.

I say that I had a really weird experience today to friend...let's call them Friend A. I tell Friend A that a bunch of different things happened while I was with friend B and that I talked to Friend C about them because they inadvertently involved Friend C. The following is an accurate description of where the conversation went:

Friend A: Is [Friend C] ok?
Me: Yeah, [Friend C] wasn't the one who had to deal with [Friend B].
Friend A:  What do you mean?
Me: I talked to [Friend B] today, [Friend C] didn't.
Friend A: .....Ok. [Friend C] is ok though? We haven't talked today.

Does anyone else see the problem here, or is that just me? If I'm the one having to deal with the situation, shouldn't SOMEONE be worrying if I'M okay?

And now that I'm done venting, I'm going to eat my Keebler Cheesecake Middles cookies, drink some juice, and watch bad 90's TV.
............

Of course, now that I've said that, Friend A (who I'm still fairly pissed at) is asking if the situation was awkward for me, etc. I'm astounded by people's idiocy sometimes.
I know that I'm being really needy and selfish, but I don't handle certain situations well. Especially ones which remind me of home and my relationship with my dad. He has really bad anger issues. Really bad. So it's a bit of an understatement to say that I wasn't feeling all that great after being forcibly reminded about all the drama I'm escaping by not being at home, and I feel I have at least a small right to be needy and want someone to actually care how I'm feeling without my having to spell it out for them first.

It seems like none--or at least VERY few--of my friends even try to get past the walls I throw up when I'm not comfortable. Half the time, I don't think they even try to see if the walls are up, if I'm in what one really close friend has dubbed my "zombie mode"; instead, people just assume I'm not going to want to talk about what's on my mind or try to get at the heart of an issue. I guess it's just easier to go straight to what other people are dealing with, especially if A used to B (and pretty much still is) extremely into C.

Why is it so damn hard for someone to care about me? Am I just that hard to get to know, to care for, that people just stopped trying after awhile? I hadn't thought that I was quite that awful, but hey, all my ex boyfriends thought so. I mean, none of them really liked me  for anything but my body.

Maybe I was right earlier when I said my job was just to stand here and look pretty. Means I don't have to feel, or at least only feel what is necessary for certain circumstances. Maybe I've had it wrong lately; maybe who I used to be wasn't so bad. The old me didn't really want people to be worried about her, she just wanted people to like her.

Then again, the old me was a bit of a whore. And I'm not particularly keen on that aspect of my old life.

"Half timing...the other half's luck"

Ok, so my friend showed me this on Facebook today, and I realized: he makes a very good point! Just watch.

Point A) The idea is to get the RIGHT guy (or girl....) to like me. Not just ANYone, the RIGHT one. I've spent too long hoping that someone would like me, and then took whoever came along and said they did. And I suppose, in their own way, they did like me...just not for the reasons I wanted them to. Whoever I end up with will respect me for me. This is non-negotiable.

Point B) Patience...not my best attribute; meaning, I have none. But it's a work in progress. One that I should probably apply toward my future...whoever. (Person? Mate? Spouse? Companion? Life-partner? I'm confused....)

Point C) I have self-worth, and I need to realize that. I am not a product of my ex-boyfriends, and any shit they said about me or things they did to me is not a reflection of who I am. I am beautiful, and smart, and silly, and (usually) quite sweet.

Point D) I'm generally a nice person anyway...I just have to work on not coming across as rude when I don't know someone. Apparently, I do that. I would normally label that as "I'm shy", but I don't think anyone who knows me would actually buy that....

Point E) Does this mean I need to learn about video games if I'm going after a guy (or certain girls I guess)? I could get my brother to teach me... I already know about football. More than enough. Although, ideally, whoever I decide to date would already have stuff in common with me.

Point F) Got this one down. I am quite needy (in a good way), and I open my heart to everyone I care about. I am quite loving...and loveable. Right?

Point G) Chivalry...are you sure that's not dead?

Point H) Also not a problem. The worst outfit I wear in public is a tank top and jeans. So scandalous! Not.

Point I) I don't normally think that I subscribe to the crap Hollywood tries to feed us, but then again... I did reach the point where I thought guys would only stay with me if I slept with them. I know, not my brightest moment, but it happens. I have started to realize that this idea is complete BS; if a guy (or girl) only wants in my pants, he (or she) is obviously not worth my time. Especially if he thinks the back of his car or an empty movie theater is going to help matters.

Point J) Boundaries...ooh, yeah...that's a big one. Again, no sleeping with someone just to keep them interested (chances are, they won't be interested after they sleep with you because they are douchebags). It's that "respecting myself" thing again. If I respect myself, then I will attract people who will respect me and not push the boundaries I choose to set up. Which means I probably ought to set some up...eventually. Currently, not an issue.

Point...K) haha, now this one is easy. So long as "myself" doesn't scare people away. Although...the right person wouldn't be scared away....hmmm....interesting thought.

I know this is one of my more random posts, but the video caught my attention and I wanted to get my thoughts down so I would have something to reference later...when I actually get back in the dating scene. If ever.

"First To Fall, Last To Know"

I was thinking this week about that new project of mine, and I remembered some doodles I did when I was dealing with all of my various relationships and consequent drama. Decided I'd put them up on here. Just for kicks and giggles.

Basically, I'd draw whatever my feelings led me to draw, and I used song lyrics to either fill in the background or to help me come up with ideas on how to express what I was feeling.

 Song: "Lullaby" by Emmy Rossum
           -I'm fairly certain this one was done with Michael in mind, presumably after one of our MANY fights.

 Song: "Guardian Angel" by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
           -This one was for Blake; I was mad because he was off flirting with really pretty cheerleaders.

 Songs: "A Million Pieces" by Emmy Rossum, "Not Givin' Up" by Natasha Bedingfield, "Riddle" by Mindy Gledhill
           -This was also for Blake. I was trying to figure out where we were headed after I screwed things up.

 Songs: "Austin" by Blake Shelton, "1234" by Plain White T's, "I'm Jealous" by Shania Twain, "What I Did For Love" from A Chorus Line, "If I Could Be Where You Are" by Enya, "Can't Have You" by The Jonas Brothers
           -I think this was for Blake and for Michael, but I'm leaning more towards choosing Michael and wondering why he still cared about me after...2 years?

 Song: "Fearless" by Taylor Swift
           -Eric. Just after I met him, when I was incredibly happy and excited, still naive enough to think it would actually end well.

 Song:"Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from The Lion King
           -Still Eric, still happy.
           **Note the teddy bear; he's been around since the second drawing and only since Eric's pictures has he started to look remotely better. He has patches instead of holes, and his eye is almost fixed. Like I said, naive.

 Songs: "No Air" by Jordin Sparks, "Behind These Hazel Eyes" by Kelly Clarkson
           -Yeah...still Eric. He disappeared and I was worried because I didn't know what was going on.
           **Teddy lost his eye again....

 Songs: "Forever and Always" by Taylor Swift, "Falling" by Emmy Rossum
           -Yeah, the "E" gave it away. He was back by this point, I think. I was hopeful again.

Songs: "High" by Emmy Rossum, "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield
           -I think this one is the most depressing now that I look at it. I really thought that things with Eric would be great and I'd be happy. It was the best I'd felt with a guy in a long time.

That was the last one of these I've done; it's dated 4/4/10. A few weeks after that, I realized that Eric wasn't going to be in my life. He pulled a Houdini, left me high and dry, and I haven't heard from him since. Pretty sure if I did, I'd kill him. Or at least seriously maim him to the point where children weren't a possibility.

I am thinking about doing another drawing, however. I'm thinking I might base it off of the titles of all of my posts so far. We'll see.

"Raise a Flag, Let You In"

Ok, I've got like twenty billion things going on in my head right now, many of which I have decided I should talk about with someone, especially since pretty much everyone on campus is leaving for break; this means I'll be left here, by myself, playing hermit in my room for a week. Great.

I have no idea where to begin. I didn't even want to tell anyone, except the one person I talked to last night when I was crying my eyes out and scared senseless. I don't like it when people worry about me, and I try really hard not to give them reasons to. Sometimes I feel like...like if I tell my friends what's going on every time something happens, they'll eventually start to think that I'm trying to get attention. I'm not, and I know that, but still. I'm going to file that worry under the heading of "Scared-To-Death-That-People-Will-Abandon-Me-And-I'll-Be-Alone".

Moving on. I suppose one of the big things I should be talking about right now is that I had another...I don't think there is a way to describe what happened last night, but the end point is that I was bleeding, in mental/emotional/physical pain, crying my eyes out, and hating myself with nearly every fiber of my being. I didn't cut, but I really REALLY wanted to. Wanted to do so much worse than that, but managed to get talked out of it.

I had to beg my friend not to tell anyone (the whole worrying thing and all), but today she wouldn't get off my case about it, and I mean that in a nice and loving way. She said she wouldn't tell any of our mutual friends, but only if I promised to tell someone who will be here: i.e. church leader, my therapist, one of our friends here at school. I haven't told any of those people yet, but I did text the other friend and at least make an effort to possibly hang out with him sometime this week. We'll see how that goes.

I'm trying really hard to move on from the person I used to be, and most days I can coast along and manage everything, but some days...some days it just sucks. Especially since...how did she put it? I am the type of person who will be whoever/do whatever I feel is necessary to make someone else happy, whether that means I keep my mouth shut and have no opinions, or if that means I say "I love you" and let people treat me like a sex toy. Pretty sure that's how she phrased it...

Anyway, tonight was a little hard for me. A friend of mine was talking to me tonight, and kind of flirting, but only in the physical "I-want-to-get-you-horny-so-you'll-help-me-because-I'm-horny" type of flirting. Not that long ago (literally, like a month ago), I would have--and did--say "yeah, sure, ok" to that without even thinking about it. And then one of two things would have happened: we would have continued to do that every time he "needed" me and I would pretend like I didn't feel used for letting him do that, or I would tell him not to do that anymore and we would be at an awkward standstill for a month or two until it happened again. Case in point, considering our friendship as of right now.

Tonight, I managed to say no. Granted, I had to be talked into saying no because, as much as I wanted to say no, I knew that I wasn't really strong enough to do it myself. So, I told him that I was trying to move past who I used to be, etc etc etc, and he seems to be taking it well--so far. It's a work in progress relationship.

I'm only saying all of this because I'm trying to be honest with other people as well as myself; if I wasn't, I'd be bottling all of this up inside and freaking out.

Also, when did I become the person everyone went to for advice? I am falling apart! I know nothing, why do people keep asking me these things.