"I Am Ready For The Road Less Traveled"

You probably noticed I have changed the background from the blank paper to a dandelion.

You may be wondering what the hell a dandelion has to do with the path my life is on.

The answer: I have no idea. But the dandelion, with the seeds being blown away into the sky, seemed like the most hopeful background I could find, and hope is something I've come to really need in my life.

I still don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going, and I have no idea if I ever will. But I can live with that. I just have to keep hoping that things will get better, and not just for me.

I hope things will get better for my family at home.
I hope things will get better for my friends and their families.
I hope things will get better for any poor person who stumbled across my blog and realized that maybe they are in the same boat as me...and that boat is sinking fast.

For the moment, I'm choosing hope. It's a better alternative to a safety pin.

As a side note, because we all know how much I love them, I have added a nifty little gadget to my blog. If you would look to the right side of your screen (>>>>>that way>>>>>) you will see something mentioning an email subscription. Type in your email, and you will be notified as soon as I publish a new post. I won't even know you're getting the emails, as far as I am aware anyway, so this is mostly for the sake of the silly people who insist on worrying about me. I'm being nice and making life a little easier for you; you can thank me later with chocolate.

Now, onto something I'm sure you're really wanting to know about: the personal project I mentioned. It is another blog. Yes, I am crazy enough to have two blogs going simultaneously. The new blog is a little different from this one though. It's set up as a story, based on real events.

Based on my events.

There are only two posts right now; well, a Preface post and then a normal post. If you choose to read it, make sure you start at the beginning, with the Preface. It will make more sense that way. All of the names have been changed, and--eventually--my closer friends and those involved in certain events will make an appearance.
>>>>>www.themenwhoshapedme.blogspot.com<<<<<

"I Want to Make You Feel Beautiful"

Today at church, the meeting was broadcast from Utah to the entire Virginia, W Virginia, and DC area. Each speaker said something which really touched me, and I was being a dutiful girl and writing down my thoughts in a notebook (and, admittedly, doodling); but the last speaker really got to me. Actually, even before he began to speak, I had this feeling like it was important and I should listen. His topic was on the Sanctity of Womanhood, meaning "why women are special in the eyes of God and should be treated as such".

For the next 45minutes I listened to him talk, felt as if he were speaking just for me, and the words he said made me cry. For a lot of reasons.

He reminded me that I am a child of God, and not just that; a daughter, one who is worthy of His love no matter what I do. This man talked about how women were God's most divine creation, that God created woman only after He had divided the day from the night, created the earth and the sea, made all the animals as well as man, and after He had created woman, He declared His work complete and rested. Which means women are pretty special. He saved the best for last, obviously.

He also spoke of how men should treat women, how they should do everything in their power to remind us who we are to God and how special we are (this includes opening doors and saying we are beautiful *insert big smile here*). He said that a worthy young man could easy be the key in uplifting a young woman and making her realize just how important she is by the way he treats her. And I realized that I never had a guy who was like that....minus my guy friends. But in the realm of dating? Never. (Hehe...apparently, men should be very careful not to make women cry because God counts a woman's tears....guess my ex-boyfriends are screwed).

Then he said some stuff about being married, and I kinda tuned out for a bit because (obviously) I am not married. I mean, I listened, but it didn't really apply to me right that second. Or this second. Or any second in the near future. (Earlier in the meeting, one speaker called this "selective listening"...looks like I'll be repenting for that tonight).

There was also a portion about fathers and their special relationship with their daughters; how fathers are (or at least should be) the example of how men should treat women so their daughters choose the right person to spend their lives with. To be perfectly honest, this part made me want to die...or scream at my dad. Either one. In the end, I decided my dad is a good example of the type of guy I don't want to marry...as is evidenced by all of my exes.

The main point I'm trying to get at here is this: I am beautiful, and I should  be proud of that; but I should also be proud that I am beautiful on the inside too (despite all my dark and twisty-ness). I deserve a man who will treat me right, treat me like a precious treasure that he is blessed to have, because quite frankly, he will be. I don't need to be around or involved with guys who are immature and do not see anything beyond my outer appearance: they aren't worth my time or energy. Even more than that, I deserve a man who will help me to raise a family full of love and happiness, who will do everything in his power to make sure that I feel safe and happy and loved, and give me the chance to have a happy family life, and never treat me like my dad treats my mom. Or my brother. Or me.

I deserve all of that, and more. And one day, when I find the right guy, it will happen.


*As a side note, this has strengthened my resolve to work on a personal project of mine. A few people know about it because I've asked for their help. Once I get it going a bit more, I'll give more details about it.

**Other side note; apparently I can make an email list of up to 10 people to get notified once I post. If you aren't following this already with your own account, and you want to know when I post something, you know how to get ahold of me and let me know.

***Extra other side note (I'm in a weird mood, deal with it); every few weeks I update the playlist on this blog to include whatever new songs I've used in the post titles. This side note has no real purpose, but I was thinking about it and thought I'd mention it. Just because it's my blog and I can.

"The Pen's In My Hand, Ending Unplanned"

I've been thinking lately (ok, so for the past 30 seconds that I've been on here) about the background I chose when I first started this blog: blank notebook paper. At the time, I thought it was fitting because I was treating this blog like an online journal, which it still basically is. I write whatever comes into my head, and I don't particularly care if it shows off my writing prowess (if I have any); I'm just focusing on being honest with myself and keeping track of where I am in my life right now.

On the other hand, a blank piece of paper may sum up my current state better than I'd like. A blank paper just sits there, staring at you, daring you to take a pen and write on it. That pen won't be erased like a pencil will, so you had better be sure of what you choose.

I'm having an English Class moment: pen is to paper as choices are to life.

Or something like that.

Basically, right now I'm not so sure what direction I want to take with my life. In high school, I was one of the few who knew what I was going to study by the time I was a sophomore, but now... I'm a bit lost and my life is staring at me like that piece of paper. It's empty, blank, ready to be written on.

If only I knew what to write.

"Soon Enough Time Reveals The Weight of What Is Real"

So, I've decided to take a church class twice a week. I wasn't too sure about it, what with my whole "non-religiousness" thing going on, but the two classes I've been to so far are starting to sway me. In the first class, we talked about choices and being held accountable for the things we've done, but how we can be forgiven. Today, we talked about prayer and how important it is for spiritual growth. Both topics were things that I need to work on...a lot.

Today was particularly interesting for me because we talked about how our sins essentially build a wall between us and the Lord so that His replies to our prayers, and that makes it hard for us to hear Him. The stones which make up the wall, our sins, can be speaking badly of others, or lying, or something as simple as not liking someone, and the only way to take those stones down is to pray that God will help us. One of the examples we talked about was praying to like a person, and I started thinking of people in my life who I don't like. It wasn't a happy thought. I don't like my dad; I don't like my older brother, Ben; I don't like my ex-boyfriend, Michael...is anyone else noticing the pattern here?

They're all guys.

I always knew I had issues with guys; they're the ones who seem to hurt me the most. And now I am supposed to pray that I like them, pray that I will eventually forgive them...forgive myself.

Great....

"I Can't Breathe...I Can't Hide"

So, I've got a million things going through my head right now, and a lot of them may sound kind of weird if you've known me for awhile because I've always been so adamantly opposite what I'm thinking. You'll just have to deal with it and love me anyway.

Right now, a big part of my mental capacity is being used to figure out where I am in my relationship with God, where I want it to be, and how I'm going to get there. Right now, I don't really know if that means I'm going to return to the Church or what, but I think it is very possible; I've been seeing God's hand everywhere in my life lately, and, to be honest, I find it weird. I mean, I'm glad that I can see these things and that they are evidence to me that He does love me, despite everything, but I've spent so long pushing everything religious away... I'm not sure what to do with any of that.

The other big thing that's been driving me nuts off and on lately is also confusing and also kinda has to do with the religion thing, but not really. I have this friend who is serving a mission for the Church, and I've been writing him letters ever since he left, and sending him presents and pictures... What's confusing about that, right? Nothing. Until you factor in the great number of people who think I'm going to marry him when he gets home. Including my mother, and possibly his family.

I'm not really sure how I feel about any of it. I mean, I like him, obviously, he's my friend and I wouldn't be doing any of this otherwise, but at the same time... Ever since he left, I could sort of see him as the guy that I could, even would, marry if I got my life together and came back to the Church. Provided I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me, etc etc. The confusing bit is that...I can't tell if how I feel about all of it, him, is from other people telling me I should like him or if it's because I actually do like him as more than just my friend.

I'm scared of being in relationships, I really am. For one, all of the relationships I've been in were long distance, so I have NO idea what to do in one where I see the guy every day around campus. On top of that, all of my issues (sex with other guys, etc) have made me more...promiscuous when it comes to kissing and everything in that sphere of a relationship. (I have no idea if promiscuous is the right word, but I really don't care). I'm worried that, if I do end up in a relationship with any guy from around here, I'd scare him off by pushing everything too far. Now, let's add to that the fact that I have had sex, and my church believes very strongly in no premarital sex. VERY strongly. So how exactly do I approach that part of me with a guy if things get serious?

I have no idea.

I feel like my brain might explode. But hey, at least I'm not writing about anything too heavy like I normally do, right? I could go into detail about my health issues and how freaked out that makes me, but then my brain probably would explode.

"This Bitter Pill"

Today one of my friends asked me how I was doing; I responded: "kfhgfkjfwdjfdknfvhifjnfefnfbfv"

My brain has died.

And that's the upside of my day.

Today I went to math for the first time in a whole week. I was so behind, had no idea what was going on, and had to go speak to the prof afterwards about what happened to me. I wanted to cry ( I have issues with authority figures). It isn't the only class I'm having attendance problems with, but it is the more important of them.

Part of it is that I have no desire or motivation to go to class aside from certain classes being absolutely necessary to me graduating. Joy. But it's more than that. More mornings, I have no desire or motivation to even attempt living. I would be entirely content to just lay in bed and sleep all day. I lost like 6lbs so far because I barely have an appetite. I try to go to bed before 2am, but end up staring at the ceiling, get bored, and get back on my laptop. If I actually do manage to fall asleep, I don't feel rested when I wake up. I have three different alarms set, and I don't pay attention to any of them. I actually slept through all of them one day without noticing it. And the only reason I have a smile on my face when people see me is because I'm entirely dependent on carbonated caffeine and pain killers. Joyous.

I'm very tempted to ask some of my friends to call or text me shortly after my alarms go off and keep going until I drag my butt out of bed. Not sure it would do much more than piss me off though...

I just have problems.

"Once or Twice Was Enough, But It Was All In Vain"

I haven't said anything on here recently because I never felt like I had anything worth writing about. My week was actually pretty normal, which doesn't happen to me very often. Or, you know, ever. Hindsight being extremely better, I could have said something happy and positive, talked about how I have such amazing friends who try their best to be there for me. Obviously, I did not do that. And now I'm wishing I had, because I'm in a mood where I can't focus on much of anything and I'm mad at so many people to varying degrees...

Sometimes, I forget that, while I have some drama of my own here at school, there is so much more going on at home that I don't know about. Like my dad ripping into my brother, again. And throwing all of my mom's stuff around, again. And blaming everything that has ever gone wrong on the two of them. Again. And again. And again.

When I was old enough to understand what divorce was, I wanted my mom to leave my dad so badly, and I couldn't understand why she didn't. My brother and I were/are scared of my dad, and he was always so angry. He didn't really ever abuse any of us physically, although he came really close more times than I can count, but he did a lot of emotional damage. He's the reason I started cutting in the first place. Not that I'm blaming him or anything...technically. My brother was texting me today, saying how dad hated him and didn't think he ever tried or cared or did anything right...how dad had torn apart the bedroom and tossed all of mom's things onto the floor while she was at work.

I don't know how  much more my baby brother can take. I keep telling him to tough it out for a few more months, until he finishes school and comes out here. I'm pretty sure the main reason he wants to be at the same school as me is because I've always been the one to take care of him, protect him...just like the reason I always hole myself up in my room and don't let people in very far is because that's what I've always done.

My room was safe. No one came in unless I let them. I let the wrong people (guys) in more than once, but that's not the point. Actually, it might be part of the point. I have always been trying to pick and choose who I trust so I don't get hurt, just like I always chose who came in my room. It was my own little world that I could control. Just like I could control the pain when I cut, or how I would use sex to try and control how I feel so I wasn't so empty. It never worked, but I kept trying because I wanted it to work so badly. I wanted to feel something. I wanted control.

But I'm still empty.

I feel more and more empty every day, especially lately. My least favorite holiday is coming up. I have no happy memories of Valentine's Day, but I don't have any bad ones either. I have no significant memories of the day is probably the best way to put it. Right now, all I know is that happy couples make me feel nauseous.

Even worse, they make me want to call up Michael. And apologize.

But I don't think I actually did anything wrong...did I?