"You Said To Hold My Breath, To Sit And Wait"

Sometimes, I wonder why people do the things they do; if there is some inner motivation that they don't let the rest of the world know. A lot of my wondering about that is thanks to my ever-lovely ex (is it bad to hope he dies alone? probably). He used to talk about people's motivations and ask me constantly why I said this, why I wanted to do that, as if it had some great importance to unlocking the inner workings of my soul. And maybe it does, but that's not really my point with the story. The point was, he couldn't take it at face value when I said I loved him, or when I said someday we would have a life together. I always had to have a reason, and that reason always had to mean that I was trying to get something for myself. Apparently, no one ever does anything that is not self-serving. Go figure.

Flash forward to me right now: I'm in a fairly good mood. Tired beyond all reason, but pretty darn happy and even motivated enough to finish unpacking all my crap and clean my room. Go me. The reason for my oddly happy and, dare I say it, almost optimistic attitude: new friend. The problem is, now that I know a little more about this friend, I'm starting to wonder why we were introduced, and I don't mean that in a bad way.

Some parts of his life seem way too similar to mine. Almost scarily so. And none of what I'm saying makes any sense unless you know my life story, which is long and I'm not sure how to even put it in an order that would make any sense. So, I'm not going to. At least, I'm not going to right this nanosecond. Eventually, I'm sure it will come up. Especially if I talk to my mother and she asks about church. Or if my brother talks to her about what I told him before I left...

Anyway, it's interesting. And maybe, in a semi-twisted way, good for me to know. Sometimes, I get so wrapped up in my own drama, that I almost forget that other people have crappy lives too. Their lives are not perfect in any way, even if they manage to make the rest of the world think that everything is fine.

And some people are just so much better at pulling that off than I am. Which is somewhat annoying since I'm studying to act and put forward a face that is contrary to who I am at that moment. Grr....