"All That I Am, All That I Ever Was"

So, I keep telling my friends to stop being stupid, grow up, face their issues, etc. and now I feel like a huge hypocrite. I still haven't talked to my therapist about setting up appointments for the next few months. I'm worried to. I know therapy is good for me, I get that, but...I have a hard enough time being accountable to myself and the friends I have here who would notice that I was having a hard time.

You know what? I need to stop beating around the bush. I can't keep saying that I have an addiction and then just call it "being stupid". I think the quote is (very roughly paraphrased from memory): "Fear of the name is fear of the thing itself". Just because I said I was doing this anonymously doesn't give me an excuse not to be honest and say what my problems are.

When I was fifteen, I started cutting. I wasn't suicidal or anything; I'd use a sewing needle or a safety pin and scratch at a spot on my arm over and over until it bled. They were never deep, but they were painful, which was the whole point. I kept it up for two months, then quit because I realized it wasn't doing anything helpful. Two years later, I started again, and I haven't been able to go a full year since then. The last time I cut was in September of last year.

There. That's what I've been hiding because I hate having to admit that I did that. It was bad enough when I had to go in to see my therapist and tell him; I had to explain my entire thought process and feel guilty. I haven't done it since, but that doesn't necessarily mean I haven't wanted to. I have. So. Many. Times.

Anyway, back to me being a hypocrite. I know I probably should email my therapist my free times and schedule an appointment, but that would be relinquishing the sense of control over my addiction I gained in the month since my last appointment. But then again, having some twisted sense of control over my life was one of the reasons I got into this mess. I could control the pain I inflicted when I couldn't control the pain caused by everything else in my life.