So, since Monday I've managed to plow through the first two books in this series I found at Walmart in an attempt to stifle my boredom (I technically have very limited internet access...oops). Anyway, I finished the second book today and came to some interesting conclusions, none of which had anything to do with the book whatsoever.
First- I can be such a girl sometimes. I was literally giggling as I read this book. Once I finished this I started laughing and squealing and felt like I had drank three RockStars...and then a Mountain Dew....and a coffee.... You get the idea. I count this as further proof that the written word has more impact on us than we give it credit for.
Second- I used to think that I was a strong and sexy person, that I knew how to do all the right things to get a guy to like me and want me, maybe even love me. I even went so far as to think that, by allowing guys to show me how much they "liked" me, and "wanted" me, and "loved" me, that they would somehow make me like myself. Self-deprecating addiction much? I think I used these guys just as much as they used me, which is rather sickening when I stop and think about it. But today, I realized something: no part of what I was doing had any chance at making me feel better about myself; it did exactly the opposite. I took something that in most cases is beautiful and to be treasured, and I turned it into a cheap weapon meant to make myself feel better while simultaneously bringing myself down. It worked.
What's interesting to note in that is, because I didn't like myself on some level for doing any of the things I was doing, I didn't find joy in anything I did, whether it was good for me or bad. I'm slowly reworking my internal wiring so that I can come to realize that I can be beautiful and brilliant and loved for every part of me by more than some dumb guy. I just have to do all those things myself first.
Thirdly- My friends have been extremely helpful in my process of recovery, some practically integral. In the book, each chapter had a literary quote which related to the main plot point in it, and the one which stood out the most was this: "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." -Meng-tzu
Some people are such close friends, they almost seem like the same person. They know exactly what to say or do. If not that, then they go through similar circumstances which are different on some levels, but very much the same on others. And when that happens, one person becomes the lifeline for the other person. And they are each brutally honest and depressing in turn, but somehow it works.
This book has two male characters who essentially took a sacred oath to be there for each other, to be of one soul essentially; the book even made a reference to David and Jonathon in the Bible, how they were such close friends they were of one soul. While I'm not saying I'm going to jump in front of a bullet for you or anything, it did make me think.
So I've decided. I am the person who will talk to you after you try to drown yourself in the bathtub; the person who will do surgery on the love of your life while a maniac holds a gun to my head telling me to stop, and then keep going when you offer yourself up to be shot and get the love of my life shot instead; the person who will worry about you when you have a miscarriage or you lose the baby you're adopting; the person who will worry about you and break every rule I know because you have your hand on a live bomb inside a guy; the person who freaks out because you gave up and let yourself down in the ocean; the person who defends you and knows you better than you know yourself sometimes; the person who, if you murdered someone, would expect to be the one you'd call to help you drag the corpse across the livingroom floor and do it willingly.
I'm THAT person.
No comments:
Post a Comment