Circle the Drain

Addiction defined by Merriam Webster: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful
Addiction defined by yours truly: consistent return to anything known by the person to be harmful to the body/mental-emotional state; can be a person


When you're addicted, and you know you are, you always tell yourself "I know this is bad, but it's the last time." And it is. Until the next time. Then you tell yourself that this is the very last time, you swear. But it happens again, and again, and again.

The problem with my addiction is that I'm addicted to quite a few things, so I have just as many triggers. My therapist and I have lumped everything under the generic category of "Addiction to Self-Deprecation" : basically, I like to do things I know will either hurt me, or bring me down in some way.

I've gone through cycles where I'm fine, sometimes for years, but usually only for a handful of months. I used to think that there was no way I could get through it, that I would never manage and I would continue on in an endless downward spiral to be another statistic. I've tried eliminating things which could aid in my addictions; I've even had one of my exes (also an addiction) advise me to keep those things around to remind me that, while it is an option, I don't really need whatever it is that I'm thinking of. Apparently, he did this with his alcohol, and it worked out so well that...well, I took my own advice and eliminated all chances of that addiction.

My point? Addiction sucks. Life sucks. And some days, it is all you can do to just get through the day without grabbing a razor or a drug or a (typically) stupid guy and doing something incredibly stupid--if you even manage to force yourself to leave the safety of the cocoon erected in your bed to brave the hell that is the rest of the world. I've given up on that. I look at myself when I'm in those situations, and I just shake my head and wish that the scathing and annoyed lectures I give my friends when they're being ridiculous worked half as well on me as they seem to do on them.

So, I'm going to do something about it.

I don't like myself when I get in these moods, and it is way past time to change that. So life sucks and at least once a week I start to think thoughts that end with me being really stupid, oh well. It's time I take it one day at a time and make it through each hour, then each day, each week, each month, until I have made it for so long that I've forgotten what any of my addictions even felt like.

I'm going to cope.

I'm going to cope until I can move past coping to whatever comes next. And then I'll do that until I can move on further.

And if I screw up? Well...that's what you're for, now isn't it?