"I May Be Bad...But I"m Perfectly Good At It"

Usually, staying busy is a good thing. It takes your mind off the other things in life which can lead you down roads with endings that are less than happy. Dark, twisty roads that end in pain and misery. The only problem with being so busy it that once you've run out of things to do, your mind goes all over the place.

My mind likes to visit the dark twisty roads it wasn't allowed to when I was busy. Frequently, this evolves into a waking nightmare of sorts. A better description would be that my mind takes a bad situation which will probably never happen, and make it worse. For instance, earlier today my mind decided to reintroduce my ex into my life. At the current point of this (for lack of better words) day-mare, I had moved out of my current residence and into another one not far away, something my ex was not aware of until showing up and asking for me. He was then directed to my new place, and I didn't find that out until I was driving up with my new boyfriend after a date. Yeah, my brain hates me. New boyfriend is stable, and healthy, and good for me; the ex is a jerk who used me and liked to get me into trouble.

Generally, in this situation, you'd choose the stable guy who loved you for all the right reasons, wouldn't you? My problem is, this ex is one of my addictions. I am literally addicted to being with him, even when I'm sitting there telling myself that I'm only going to get hurt in the end (which I always did).

Thankfully, I managed to stop that train of thought before it got any worse; ironically, it was also stopped before I had to make any form of choice between stable and healthy, and insane and addictive. I'm not quite sure what that means about my mental-emotional state, but I'll leave the analysis to my therapist.

The other problem with having the door to the dark and twisty mind roads open is that I now have access to other dark and twisty roads which are either equally bad to the addictive ex, or significantly worse than him (the title of this blog is taken from a song by Rihanna about the subject of said dark and twisty road).

This week, I took two steps backward from where I was when I started. But, on the bright side, I didn't actually do anything stupid; I just thought about it. A lot.