So, I've got a million things going through my head right now, and a lot of them may sound kind of weird if you've known me for awhile because I've always been so adamantly opposite what I'm thinking. You'll just have to deal with it and love me anyway.
Right now, a big part of my mental capacity is being used to figure out where I am in my relationship with God, where I want it to be, and how I'm going to get there. Right now, I don't really know if that means I'm going to return to the Church or what, but I think it is very possible; I've been seeing God's hand everywhere in my life lately, and, to be honest, I find it weird. I mean, I'm glad that I can see these things and that they are evidence to me that He does love me, despite everything, but I've spent so long pushing everything religious away... I'm not sure what to do with any of that.
The other big thing that's been driving me nuts off and on lately is also confusing and also kinda has to do with the religion thing, but not really. I have this friend who is serving a mission for the Church, and I've been writing him letters ever since he left, and sending him presents and pictures... What's confusing about that, right? Nothing. Until you factor in the great number of people who think I'm going to marry him when he gets home. Including my mother, and possibly his family.
I'm not really sure how I feel about any of it. I mean, I like him, obviously, he's my friend and I wouldn't be doing any of this otherwise, but at the same time... Ever since he left, I could sort of see him as the guy that I could, even would, marry if I got my life together and came back to the Church. Provided I fell in love with him, and he fell in love with me, etc etc. The confusing bit is that...I can't tell if how I feel about all of it, him, is from other people telling me I should like him or if it's because I actually do like him as more than just my friend.
I'm scared of being in relationships, I really am. For one, all of the relationships I've been in were long distance, so I have NO idea what to do in one where I see the guy every day around campus. On top of that, all of my issues (sex with other guys, etc) have made me more...promiscuous when it comes to kissing and everything in that sphere of a relationship. (I have no idea if promiscuous is the right word, but I really don't care). I'm worried that, if I do end up in a relationship with any guy from around here, I'd scare him off by pushing everything too far. Now, let's add to that the fact that I have had sex, and my church believes very strongly in no premarital sex. VERY strongly. So how exactly do I approach that part of me with a guy if things get serious?
I have no idea.
I feel like my brain might explode. But hey, at least I'm not writing about anything too heavy like I normally do, right? I could go into detail about my health issues and how freaked out that makes me, but then my brain probably would explode.
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