"Life Isn't Made Up of All That She Used To"

I'm somewhat ambivalent about summer right now. For most people, especially those in school, summer is the great escape from the tyranny of homework and teachers. On the other hand, parents probably dislike summer because it means the kids are home all day. Usually, I would subscribe to the first way of thinking, but this summer has been different than most for me.

It has been very nearly 13 months since I decided to let my more well-known ex into my life so he could drive me crazy again, 13 months since I last saw that manipulating liar who made dashing my hopes against rocks into a game lasting close to five years. I'm not bitter, I swear. That's the honest truth of our relationship.

Back to the main point: summer. Usually, I meet all of my exes during the summer, after which we attempt to make a go of the relationship and then realize that it's not working...because I have absolutely awful taste in men, not that they really qualify to be considered men when you think about how they treat women. This summer, however, I have done absolutely nothing. Seriously, I sat at home for two months bored out of my mind--by the way, never a good thing for me because then I start pining after said "not-really-men"--and now I'm at school, still bored out of my mind because my classes fell through, watching my roommate make out with her boyfriend on our couch while alternating between feeling completely nauseous, jealous, and depressed.

The other night, I went to my roommate's room and cried on her shoulder for awhile, completely depressed about how messed up I let my life get and absolutely certain that there was no one in this world ("this world" meaning the community in which I find myself at school) who would be willing to take me and all my baggage. I screwed up royally. I'm a depressed slut with control issues which make their appearance in the form of scratches made by safety pins across my wrists and forearms, on top of my family issues, ex-boyfriend issues, and general life issues.

Coincidentally, my roommate and I also watch a good amount of TV, especially How I Met Your Mother. Now, anyone who reads this will probably think I'm certifiable due to that change in topic, but I promise, it is related. My roommie told me that the right person (yeah, she said "person" not "boy"...she's cool like that with me) wouldn't care about all my baggage. Besides, I'm a totally different person than who I was five plus years ago when I let the circumstances in my life dictate how I was going to react and live. She said she could see the changes in me in the two years she's known me, the first of which was spent with me hating her because she was with one of my exes...long story.

The next day, while she was out with her boyfriend (who is not my ex, if you were wondering), I was watching some episodes of How I Met Your Mother on the DVR and came across one called "Doppelgangers." Towards the end of the episode, Ted had this one line that just hit me like a smack across the face:

“Eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgangers, you know? These completely different people who just happen to look like us. Five years ago Robin? That girl—she was pretty great. But doppelganger Robin? She’s amazing.”

 Yeah, I pretty much fell off the couch when I heard that. I was basically exactly what my roommate had said the night before, but in different words, and I'm fairly certain she hasn't seen that episode yet, so I was considerably stunned.

Now, I'm going to take a moment to admit to my own nerdiness by saying that, when the mood hits me and I get bored, I watch anime; some of my favorite shows may or may not include The Ouron High School Host Club and Avatar: The Last Airbender. So saying, I started watching the spin off from Avatar, The Legend of Korra.

I got through the whole season in one day.

Today.

Here's the cool part: I had another "smack across the face" moment during the last episode. Past Life Aang came back and said:

“When we hit our lowest point, we are open to the greatest change.”

 Basically, the entire universe--or at least the TV-verse--is telling me to grow up and realize that I am a different person than who I let all those guys turn me into, and I am at a point in my life where I can really start to change and get my life back on track and put myself back together.

And it feels good.

Thank you Universe! And roommate.