Apologies are hard. If it were possible--and remotely feasible--I would swear off doing anything and everything that would cause me to need to apologize to someone because it is so emotionally hard on me. In the world called reality, however, that isn't possible; which means I get to look forward to more apologies and more crying, and we've already established my distaste for that activity.
I've made two fairly large apologies within the past few days. One was a repeat apology that I felt needed to be made now that I had a better understanding of the aftermath of my actions. Note to self: listen to the little voice in my head saying "That's a dumb idea, don't do it." It's much smarter than I give it credit for.
I also apologized to my program director for not giving the 100% I should have been over the past two years. Many other things were said that I'm not getting into again because I just barely stopped crying and have a headache. I'd prefer not to make it too much worse.
The biggest thing I've done the past few days wasn't an apology as such. I stood up and voiced my opinion and worries to my closest friend here, something I had been debating for weeks. She was beginning to get into a situation which was causing a lot of gossip around town which could have proven to be really bad for her, and it was beginning to remind me of a situation I'd been in earlier in the year. A situation where I didn't try to voice my misgivings and talk my friend out of her actions, encouraging her instead because I knew that's what she wanted me to do. It's something I've regretted for months, still regret even though I apologized for it, but she's the type of person who will just blow off that type of apology because she doesn't think it's relevant or necessary. I happen to disagree, but whatever.
This time, I decided I wasn't going to do the same thing twice. I was going to be the better friend and do what I could to help my friend stay out of trouble. And I'm so glad I did. I'd be glad even if this friend hadn't listened to me and understood what I was saying. Because I learned from my mistake and I voiced my opinion. More than that, I had an opinion.
Slightly bigger than baby steps now, but I'm still going in the right direction.